I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
