I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
