why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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