I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
