I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
i think im in europe. pls send help
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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