How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
