Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
