Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
