I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize