david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
