he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
