and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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