I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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