alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
