She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
