Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
