I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
