Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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