Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
