Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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