Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
