its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
