Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
