Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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