her vagina looked like bernie madoff
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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