I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
