all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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