I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
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I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
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Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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