I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Randomize
