I swear she didn't look like that last week.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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