I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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