half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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