i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
