So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
