remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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