i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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