I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
