So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
