you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
