i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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