i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
