Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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