My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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