Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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