just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
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