I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
