I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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