Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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