it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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