Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
