it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
