checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
