i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
