i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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