In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Dicks are not precious.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
